Hey, you’re kind of hot.
Let’s hook up!
Will you marry me?
I’ll love you forever.
I’m pregnant … again.
We’re broke, again.
I hate you!
I want a divorce … and half of your money.
For many of you, this may hit a little too close to home. I have a simple proposal that could alleviate the problems people encounter when attorneys are running the clock to pay for their latest model BMW Series-7. Instead of sitting down in front of a judge with your respective attorneys while the two of you claw each other’s eyes out, I’ve got a better idea.
If you’re thinking about getting married, then do full disclosure up front. Before you can propose, the two of you must sit down with a mediator and review your life history with the proper documentation. Failed to disclose you never really attended college, as the only time you ever stepped foot on a college campus was for a frat party? Ignored that $50,000 of credit card debt because you didn’t want them to think bad of you? Neglected to disclose that mental illness or addiction runs in your family? Overlooked that you have other children out there that you refuse to be responsible for? All true stories from friends.
We make people go through driver’s ed to qualify for a driver’s license so why not make a couple go through mental and financial counseling to qualify for a marriage license? Your driver’s license has an expiration date. Should a marriage license be renewable every five years?
Love don’t pay the bills. The No. 1 cause of divorce is money. If one of you is financially irresponsible, how might this affect your marriage? A couple should submit their respective past two years tax returns, W-2s, paystubs, bank and investment statements up-front for the other partner to review. I guarantee this would make the two love birds think twice about who they are really marrying. You need to run credit reports on each other as you marry the low FICO score. You may have great credit, but if your spouse is a deadbeat, you might be paying 24.99% for your next auto loan.
If they were in the military, I’d want to see their Honorable Discharge. Just heard of a man who lied about his discharge from the Navy. In his past service he decided to go on an extended vacation with a former girlfriend without permission (AWOL). He was dishonorably discharged, which follows you for life on every job application and you forfeit any VA benefits.
A couple should go through couple’s therapy up-front, not when one of them hates the other. Perform a “stress test” how you would each react. Man just blew your life savings on a stock tip that went south. Woman has 200 pairs of $400 shoes, all purchased on her credit card she didn’t disclose. One of you (if not both) has a serious temper issue. Might this lead to violence? What’s your acceptable level of drinking? Zero tolerance drug policy — what about cannabis? How much time does your partner expect you to spend with their Appalachian family? All good questions to review and deal with up front.
I’d make the couple submit DNA, blood and urine samples to find out what’s the real story. Does their DNA match the family they told you about? Have you met their family and are they responsible and semi-sane? They told you they don’t use drugs, what does the urine say? The blood sample can show any potential health issues are out there.
Sex and children. Yes, one creates the other, but ya better be in sync. Disclose any fetish or kinks you have up-front. It’s gonna come out sooner or later and be an issue down the road otherwise. I’ve never understood why a woman is supposed to save her virginity for her future husband. What if he’s a lousy lover? Do you each want children? How many? Is one of you going to stay home with the kids while the other works? Can you afford your lifestyle on 50% of your normal income?
Ponder this. When someone is murdered, usually the first person the cops look at is the spouse. Finally, a truly successful marriage is when you outlive your spouse. Anything short of this is a failure.
Matthew Owen resides in Eureka, and believes the First Amendment allows for free speech.
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July 04, 2021 at 02:02PM
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Matthew in the Middle | Reverse marriage proposal - Eureka Times-Standard
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