Jan. 1, 2020: I slowly open my eyes. Head pounds. Way too much drinking at that New Year’s Eve party last night. Oh, god. Need coffee!
Pour a cup of joe, turn around and WHOA! Who the hell’s this stranger sitting in my kitchen? Wait, he looks a lot like me. What the … ?
“You’re gonna need to sit down. We need to talk.”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I’m you, from the future. Four months from now. Listen carefully. There’s a highly contagious virus that’s already raging in China and spreading around the globe causing a worldwide pandemic. We need to make some changes in your lifestyle. Drastic changes.”
“Whoa, I can’t deal with this right now. I got a successful career and big plans for 2020. I got business trips planned for Chicago, New York and then I got New Orleans, where I’m doing Mardi Gras in late February with a million of my closest friends before heading down to Miami for my seven-day Carnival Cruise through the Bahamas.”
“Yeaaah, we’re gonna be canceling most of that.”
“What! No way. Hey at least I got my bros. We’re meeting for brews and to watch the college bowl games later today.”
“Enjoy football while you can. Soon they’ll be no NBA and no March Madness. And then no spring training. No Major League Baseball. Basically all sports will be on hold for a while.”
“I can still do burgers and beers with my buddies, right?”
“For now. Soon you’ll be doing takeout food with a six-pack to go on Zoom with your buddies as all bars and restaurants will be closed indefinitely.”
“Close bars? They can’t do that. Whoa, what’s Zoom?”
“It’s a video conferencing app for your smart phone, laptop or computer where you will be doing most of your meetings online since we can’t be together or we could spread the virus. Most travel around the world will come to a halt. Cruise lines will shut down. Airlines will lose 95% of passengers. Many hotels will shut down. It gets worse. Most all malls and retail establishments will be closing.”
“Even Target and Costco?”
“Nah, there’s a loophole they can stay open as long as they sell food. Speaking of which, you may want to buy more toilet paper and a lot more booze to hold you over.”
“I’m good. I don’t really need any toilet paper.”
“Yeah, but buy some anyway and get it now, cuz it will be sold out everywhere for a while. You’re also gonna add some new words to your vocabulary like ‘self-quarantine,’ ‘shelter in place,’ ‘social distancing,’ ‘COVID-19’ and ‘intubate’.”
“What’s ‘shelter in place’?”
“It basically means you’ll keep your ass at home as much as possible. You’ll be telecommuting from home soon and using Zoom we talked about.”
“What’s ‘intubate’?
“That’s when the doctors stick a tube two feet down your throat into your lungs so a machine can breathe for you.”
“That don’t sound good.”
“It’s not. Oh, I forgot to tell you, you’ll be wearing a mask, too. Everyone’s gonna be wearing a mask out in public. Except the idiots who think the virus can’t harm them. We’re calling it Reverse Voter Suppression as most of these yahoos won’t be around in November to vote.”
“So how long are you planning on putting my life on hold?”
“I wish I knew the answer. But starting now, you’re gonna be smart. It’s gonna suck, but you’ll get through this.”
Matthew Owen resides in Eureka, and believes the First Amendment allows for free speech, even when married to a Humboldt County supervisor.
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